Status: Greenkeeper
Age: 50
Nationality: Jersey, just like the potatoes
“An empty taxi turned up and Alex Barnes got out”. A twist on an old adage applied to various dullards throughout the years and Barnes is as dull as they come. Once he’s told you that “he cuts fairways as well as greens”, and “you wouldn’t believe how much these mowers cost” you have heard his conversational repertoire.
Because he is about as interesting as skirting board, making up stories about him has become somewhat of a game at Russet Grange, with “John Barnes is his half brother”, “Both of his bollocks are on the right” and “He bought his Citroen Saxo from Bonnie Tyler’s next door neighbour” being popular falsehoods.
Early mornings mean early to bed, so Barnes isn’t one for pubs and clubbing, though he does play darts on a Thursday as he gets Fridays off. Like all dart players he once took on Eric Bristow in an exhibition match, but unlike most, he won a leg as Bristow fell asleep.
When doing his job he listens to language courses on his phone, a useful skill which allows him to tell the natives of Spain and Germany that he cuts fairways as well as greens…
Barnes has been married twice. His first wife drowned in a Basildon lido, his second wife continues to try and drown herself in boxes of Sainsbury’s Merlot.